Hero Worship, Part 17 of 25

[ravenna_c_tan]

Title: Hero Worship, Part 17/25
Author: Ravenna C. Tan
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Harry/Snape
Word Count: 36,901 total, 772 this part
Disclaimer: This is non-commercial fanfiction. Trademarked characters are used for non-commercial purposes.
Beta: miraba, jordangrant
Author's Note: A gift for regan_v, as a request she made about submissive!snape brought this on.
Warnings: A touch of BDSM/power exchange sex.
Archive: Part of the From Dusk till Dawn Severus Snape/Harry Potter Fuh-Q-Fest at http://www.kardasi.com/HPSS/storyindex.htm (The Fest was due to begin Nov. 10th--now pushed back 1 month, but authors may post in their own journals).
Challenge/Summary: "What if...?" What if Snape did not escape at the end of Half-Blood Prince? What if Kingsley Shacklebolt caught him before he could Apparate away? Not trusted by the Order, but still determined to bring down Voldemort, Snape agrees to undergo an unusual spell.
Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine, Chapter Ten, Chapter Eleven, Chapter Twelve, Chapter Thirteen, Chapter Fourteen, Chapter Fifteen, Chapter Sixteen




He does not appear at dinner time. I eat, but sparingly, as the uncomfortable glances from the others do not improve my appetite.

He appears in the late evening, just about the time I am beginning to think he won't. A soft knock comes at my door and I open it with a flick of my wand. I am on the settle with a book in my hand but I confess I have not been reading. I have mostly been thinking over what to say to him.

But he speaks first, angrily. "You did that on purpose."

I know I am trying to teach him to duel coldly, but his magic vibrates powerfully when he is angry. I try to ignore it. "Used Legilimency? Do you think the Dark Lord will not?"

"No. I mean you went after that specific thing, didn't you?" He does not phrase it as a question.

I set the book aside. "How do you know?"

"I felt it. It wasn't like the other times, even back in fifth year. It felt different." He touches his temple, and for a moment his resolve wavers. He is worried he won't be able to Occlude well enough to defeat his enemy. But he pushes that aside in favor of being angry with me. "Why did you do that?"

"You need to be able to defend against a specific attack as well as a general invasion of your thoughts."

"That's bullshit, Snape."

"But nonetheless true."

He takes a step forward and his power fairly crackles in the room. "We're not in the Room of Requirement now, the lecture is over, and you promised to do as I say."

"Very well." I fold my arms over my chest. "What are your orders, master?"

"Answer my question. Why did you pry?" He falters. "I thought it would be better if I kept that hidden."

I cannot meet his eyes. "You were right to hide it." The half-truth I utter next is too good to resist. "You do realize, of course, the position you are in gives you the power to exploit me terribly. To use me for your own desires."

He goes pale. I've snuffed his anger with the mere hint of an accusation. "I-I would n-never..." He is so horrified at the thought that he might commit an act of rape that he cannot even speak. Never mind the fact that he tried to commit two Unforgivable acts on me the night of Dumbledore's death. Never mind the fact that the spell drove him to entangle himself in my erotic needs and that surely it would protect the charge against rape by a guardian. And never mind the fact each time he has made me come, he would not allow me to reciprocate. My ability to distract him from the facts at hand with emotional booby traps remains as strong as ever. He does not even realize that I have side-stepped answering his question.

"Look," he says, guilt creasing his face. "I didn't mean it that way. Yes, I thought about you, but... I mean, I didn't know what else to do..." He claps his mouth shut as he realizes he can only dig the hole deeper.

"Potter," I say, and he looks up at me. "If it would be easier for you, we can postpone this until the morning."

He pauses a moment, and I know the thought process he goes through. He gave me the choice of morning or evening. If he pushes the issue now, he will only make it seem even more as if he is taking advantage of me.

"Or I could take care of it on my own," I say.

He narrows his eyes. That option was not in the terms he set and which I agreed to. He is too smart or too stubborn to let me get away with that, no matter how off balance I have him. "The morning, then," he says, standing taller.

When he leaves I slump back against the settle. He will eventually realize that I didn't answer his question, or the spell will nudge him that I am hiding something from him. My jealousy over whomever he was fantasizing about. But now I am hiding something bigger: the fact that the moment I found out he desired me, my desire to fight him returned.

I had thought I could follow him, his instructions, without thought or question, because I thought I knew the measure of the power he had over me. But this? This complicates things beyond measure, beyond my ability to see the boundaries. The thought that Potter might feel something more for me than loathing, or perhaps a grudging respect, frightens me beyond all reason.

For tonight I have pushed him back. I have the upper hand.

I know it will not last. As it never did with lords dark or benevolent, it will not last.

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[Go on to chapter eighteen.]